Purity and Truth

Want peace in the home? In your heart? Valuable insight for every family member.

Choosing Life

Jesse Jost

Recently a young father in our community was suddenly taken from this life when his sprayer made contact with an over head power line. He left behind a beautiful wife and two small boys and a whole community searching for answers. How could God let this happen? How dare he break up a young couple like that? Those are tough questions. Losing your life partner ranks near the top of the list of the most painful things that can happen to a human. When God allows a spouse to die, emotions are shattered and God’s goodness is called into question. But this tragedy raised a different troubling issue for me. This same community that is in shock that God would allow a death in a marriage has seen the death of many other marriages. These other marriages were not involuntarily broken apart, rather the death was willingly chosen. No, it wasn’t murder that broke the sacred bonds of matrimony, it was divorce. 

While cancer, car crashes, and earth quakes, bring heart wrenching death and tear families part, there are other forces, more subtle and pervasive, but every bit as destructive that are causing the death of millions of relationships. Among them are anger, harsh words, unforgiveness, and a critical spirit. And while we have very little control over disease and natural disasters, we can choose to protect our relationships from the self-inflicted mortality these poisons bring.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue,” an ancient sage wisely noted. Words have the power hurt and sever. Thoughtless and cruel comments may seem like mere sound waves, but don’t be fooled these waves can cause destruction that tidal waves can only dream of. Words cannot be retracted and the infection caused by verbal shrapnel can be deadly. “Harsh words stir up anger.” Undealt with anger can lead to hate. The Apostle declares that “whoever hates his brother is a murderer.” Bitterness and unforgiveness can cut off actual involvement in a relationship in the same way a death does. I’ve seen resentment build in a person so much that object of their anger might as well be dead. There is no actual relationship left.  

It’s a sad irony but the very people who worry and fret about their love ones being taken from them by death may simultaneously be slowly killing the relationship. Parents have trouble sleeping at night for fear that something will happen to their child. Yet that same parent will thoughtlessly inject another fatal wound into his relationship with that child by criticism or anger. For me, losing Heidi would be the worst thing that could happen to me. I can’t imagine how painful life would be without her beautiful smiling face in it. Yet, when I am hurt and can do cruel things in return. I give her the silent treatment and become cold to her. Of course I don’t want to kill her but I do want to make her pay.

When there is a rift in a relationship from a wrong action, such as a cutting comment, or physical abuse, there is a debt to be paid. We naturally want to live by the “tit for tat” rule. When we are hurt we want to make sure that person pays the price for their thoughtless action and try to repay them in hurtful ways such as withdrawing emotionally or sarcastic cutting words. There are consequences to wrong actions and we want to make sure that person gets what’s coming to him. The problem with revenge is that it only injects more death into the relationship. It never brings healing.

 But there is hope. Forgiveness can bring life and resurrect a dead relationship. Jesus Christ set an example for us. Our sinful actions had brought a death of relationship between us and God. There were painful consequences for our actions – guilt, shame, and fear, but Jesus voluntarily took those consequences into Himself so that we could go free. He absorbed the damage our sins caused into himself and then went to His Father for healing and restoration. Three days later Jesus rose again fully alive. The cross sets a pattern for us to follow so that we can break the death cycle we humans are caught in.

When we have a wound inflicted upon us by a family member or spouse rather than seek retribution, we can follow Christ’s example and absorb the penalty into ourselves. In essence we choose to forgive by letting go of the desire to see that person suffer for what they did to us. It is not an easy thing to do. Forgiveness will hurt and be costly. But we have a place to go for healing. When we take our hurts to God he can restore us. He can heal emotional wounds and bring wholeness.

It is so hard for us time bound humans to think long term and fully grasp the end results from our actions. When we are angry and bitter our perception becomes totally whacked out and loved ones appear to become our enemies. The person we are angry with is still so precious to us and we would panic if anything were to happen to them. Yet anger distorts that reality and sweet revenge becomes more important. And so, sadly, we inject a little more poison into the relationship, and little by little the relationship slowly dies and ends in a cold courtroom.

The next time you are tempted to punish the one who hurt you, ask yourself if it is really worth it. Imagine a man pointing a gun at the person you are angry with. Do you ask him to pull the trigger or do you try to stop him? This recent tragedy has reminded me of how precious our relationships are. I have no control over the day God will call Heidi home, but every day that I have with her I will fight to protect our marriage from emotional death. My two other treasures, John-Michael and Sophia, are equally precious to me, and the thought of anything happening to them is the stuff of nightmares. Once again their time belongs to God, but as long as they’re alive I want to keep injecting life into our relationship. It won’t be easy, but by God grace I will always choose forgiveness. Always choose life.

On our first concert tour with the Josties, we met an amazing, big-hearted, hospitable family who had an even more amazing testimony to share. Here are some bits of their story that I hope will encourage you to keep trusting God…

Cancer and God’s Faithfulness

Heidi Jost

So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, and said to them, “Go over before the ark of the Lord your God into the middle of the Jordan River. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” Joshua 4:4-7

Jerry Durston keeps in his wallet a business card given to him by a director at the Regina cancer clinic. The card is dog-eared from all the times Jerry has pulled it out to show to other people as he shares the story behind it, and why he calls it “a memorial stone of God’s faithfulness.”

One Friday, Jerry’s wife Sharon was in the cancer clinic for her weekly breast cancer treatment, and Jerry had been going around with his usual box of doughnuts, handing them out to patients and sharing about God’s amazing provision for his family.

A woman beckoned him over as he finished chatting with an elderly couple in the treatment room. “I heard what you were sharing with them,” she said. “Would you talk to me, too? This is my first day here, and I just feel like there’s no hope for me.” Jerry sat down and told her about his great God, the God who had carried them through financial difficulties and cancer and the possible loss of wife and mother. When he was finished, one of the woman’s teenage sons said, “See, Mom? There is hope.”

On his way back to rejoin Sharon, Jerry was approached by a man who handed him a business card and introduced himself as the director of psycho-social nursing at the clinic. Inviting Jerry into his office, the director said, “I hear you’ve been sharing your faith with people here. Is that right?”

When Jerry said yes, the director asked him to stop talking about God with the other patients. “We have chaplains and social workers who are supposed to do that.”

Jerry observed, “I’m sorry, but whatever they’re doing doesn’t seem to be working, because the nurses and patients say that Fridays are different around here.” Politely, but firmly, he refused to give up his Friday visits to the patients.

The following week, a volunteer at the clinic told Jerry that the director was gone – he’d been given early retirement.

The business card is only one of many memorial stones piled up during years of pain and uncertainty in the Durstons’ lives.

For several years, Sharon’s parotid glands (saliva glands under the ear) had been growing, and so had her fatigue level. By 2000, the glands were so enlarged that her earlobes couldn’t be seen. Sharon was home schooling four of their five children and helping her husband Jerry run their bakery as well as their weekly outreach kids’ ministry, Club DJ, but found it hard to keep up with everything because she was so exhausted. After going in for blood work to discover the cause of her fatigue, Sharon was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and referred to a rheumatologist. The specialist’s own diagnosis prompted a trip to the hospital for fine needle biopsies. After taking a larger sample with a bigger needle, the doctor said, “I need to phone your doctor.”

Sharon fell apart emotionally. If the rheumatologist was right, and she had Sjogrens syndrome (her chronic dry mouth and the enlarged glands were both strong indicators of the syndrome), she might be well on her way to lymphoma, which is a cancer of the immune system. She thought of her kids – Sheena was only 17, Shea was 13, Tyler 12, Levi 7, and Danae almost 3. If she had cancer, how bad was it… and what would happen to her family?

Jerry and Sharon’s bakery had been undercut in contracts with a hospital and university. In one month, they lost $250,000 of their annual business income, and were forced to lay off the majority of their staff. The oldest three Durston kids went to work in the bakery with their parents – fifty to sixty hours a week – to replace the former employees. Home schooling came almost to a standstill. There was no time for textbooks; the Durston kids had to get their learning that year from their work and real life experience. When the children wrote the provincial evaluation exams at year’s end, there was another memorial stone of God’s faithfulness waiting in the exam results: Sheena, Shea and Tyler scored higher in math and comprehension than ever before!

Meanwhile, God provided for the family’s needs in all kinds of ways. There were $50 bills left in the Durstons’ mailbox. A friend took them out to coffee and gave them a box of chocolates containing a $200 gift certificate to a local meat shop. She told Jerry and Sharon that God had put it on her heart to write their name on a fundraiser raffle ticket, and was thrilled when their name was called for the winning ticket. Another friend gave Sharon a fur coat, which she wore into the bakery one day and totally surprised Jerry. The fact that it was a fur coat and not merely a sweater was, to Jerry, God’s message that He could better provide for the Durston family than Jerry ever could.

God was taking care of them all. With the threat of cancer looming for Sharon, would He prove trustworthy again?

Sharon met her oncologist at the cancer clinic. He told her, “You don’t have lymphoma yet, but you will.” Could they do anything to slow the process? The oncologist’s answer was no.

With a bone marrow biopsy and CT scan booked for January 2001, Sharon tried to go on with life as usual. Not much was usual about it, though. “So many things were happening in our lives then,” Jerry said, “that nothing could surprise us anymore.” Then Sharon found out she was pregnant, at age thirty-nine, with their sixth child. “We’d left it up to God to determine the size of our family,” she said.

Sharon canceled the biopsy and CT scan (both are potentially harmful to a baby in the womb) and told her oncologist at the next appointment about her pregnancy test result. He remarked to Jerry and Sharon, “From what I’ve gathered about you, abortion isn’t an option.” Then he went on to tell them that the baby might provide the best treatment Sharon could receive, since a pregnant woman’s immune system interacts with the baby’s. If a baby’s immune system is strong, the mother’s tends to be strong as well.

As the baby grew within her, Sharon experienced a renewed energy. “I felt better than I had in years!” Six months into the pregnancy, her swollen parotid glands were measured again – they had shrunk to half the size that they had been when she was first diagnosed. They rejoiced at the news – maybe their Great Physician would heal Sharon after all.

The family finally decided to put their bakery up for sale in order to do full-time ministry with Club DJ. The mall owners generously allowed Jerry to pay his lease for the space from month to month until the business sold.

Baby Durston #6 was born Aug. 30, 2001. He was named after Luke, the physician in the Bible. In February 2003, after Luke was weaned, Sharon went in for a CT scan. The results came back clear – “there’s no sign of lymphoma,” her oncologist reported. “Luke was a gift from God, a source of healing for me,” Sharon said. Jerry added, “He was a sign of God’s faithfulness. People try all sorts of things to lick cancer… I could have thought about it for a thousand years, but I would never have dreamed of having a baby.”

Three months after her CT scan, Sharon scratched her underarm one day and felt a lump. A couple of weeks later, she was told she had breast cancer. The lymphoma and breast cancer were not connected, the oncologist said; it was medically impossible for the two to be linked. God had used baby “Dr.” Luke to truly heal his mother. What would He do now?

Jerry and Sharon went home and sat the family down in their living room. After he told the kids that their mother had cancer, Jerry said with tears, “Our house is full of memorial stones of things that God has done. And I don’t know how this is going to work out, but I know that God’s going to give us another memorial stone.”

Sharon entered the full regimen of cancer treatments: 16 chemotherapy, 25 radiation, and 52 Herceptin. She remembers spending a lot of time cuddling Luke, “When you come face to face with life-threatening illness, you realize very few things matter in life – the Word, and the Lord, and people.”

Hearing about Sharon’s cancer, a local Christian school offered the Durston children free tuition. But though Jerry and Sharon were very grateful for the generous offer, they declined. They strongly felt the need to keep their kids at home – keep the family together during this difficult time, regardless of how much or little school got done. Sharon said she second-guessed that decision at first, not sure what was best for her children. But even through all the treatments, she was able to keep home schooling them. Before the breast cancer diagnosis, the Durstons’ oldest daughter Sheena had turned down a request to stay on as staff at the Bible school she’d just graduated from. She quickly discovered why she hadn’t felt at peace about remaining at the school – her mom would need her help at home.

Another amazing thing began to happen. Two ladies signed up neighborhood families to provide hot meals for Durstons for weeks on end. Jerry and Sharon had been praying for and seeking opportunities to share God with their neighbors for many years. Now the folks next door and down the street were coming into Durstons’ home weekly!

Seeing these things, the Durston children realized more than ever how well God could answer their prayers and provide for them. A friend of Shea’s asked once, “How come you’re not angry at God?”

Shea answered simply, “How could I be angry with Him? He’s done so much for us.”

An elderly man (also struggling with cancer) would sometimes come over on Sundays and read the Bible to Sharon, since she often didn’t have the energy to go to church. One Sunday, he reminded Sharon of this story from John 9: “As Jesus went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’

‘Neither this man nor his parents sinned,’ said Jesus, ‘but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.’”

The elderly friend said to Sharon, “This is what God is doing through you.”

About four months after her cancer treatments were finished, Sharon experienced searing chest pain. One of her medications, Tamoxifen, had a listed side effect of increasing the risk of blood clots. Sure enough, multiple clots were found in her right pulmonary artery (between her heart and lungs). She could have died instantly.

For several months, she struggled with fear about facing death and leaving her family without a wife and mother. But God clearly still had a purpose for Sharon: to display His power in her life. Today she is cancer-free, yet the Durston family’s day-to-day reliance on God continues; they realize how much they need Him, whether in a trial or out.

Jerry concludes, “We save all kinds of little things to remember stories. It’s a privilege and honor that God would give us these memorial stones, and we’d encourage others to look for God every day.”

Jerry’s dad, Vaughan Durston, started U.B. David & I’ll B. Jonathan, Inc. over 20 years ago, the free Bible correspondence course and award program (www.ubdavid.org). Jerry and Sharon started Club DJ, a mid-week church club program and an arm of David & Jonathan, in their own church around 1998; it spread from there to many other churches (www.clubdj.ca).

Another Hearts At Home article. This one is contributed by Tereasa Mansfield, a mum who shares God’s amazing provision for her and her husband Scott through the adoption process that led them to their new son, Samuel.

God Gave Me Sam

Tereasa Mansfield

I couldn’t believe my ears.  Did the doctor really say what I think she just said?  Her words supported my unspoken suspicions, yet I was surprised.  I was smiling, but I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.  I couldn’t help but wonder if the doctor saw them.  That morning, I walked out of the doctor’s office with a referral for my son to see a diagnostic team.  All signs are pointing toward a disability that will present many obstacles for him and possibly a lot of heartache for us, his parents.  If a diagnosis is received, it will resolve many of our questions.  On the other hand, a diagnosis will bring to surface many more questions.  At times like this, it is natural to research and network, preparing ourselves for future possibilities.  Yet, nothing could prepare us more than reflecting on the past.  Reflecting on God’s faithfulness and awesome providence is the only thing that eases our worries and calms our fears.

While adoption was something we dreamed about, it was a decision we vacillated on for years.  When one was ready, the other wasn’t.  At times, it seemed as though it would never take place.  God had blessed us with one biological son.  We delighted in him and had hopes of raising more.  Yet we had been told that it would probably not happen.  Even when adoption seemed to be our only hope, we were slow to come to an agreement.  After much time in prayer and through a series of significant events, we finally came together on a decision.  We planned to adopt a year and a half later, which should have been in the winter of 2006. In the meantime, we would focus on saving money and choosing an agency, as well as a social worker.

Only three months later, in August of 2005, good friends connected us with an agency in Florida that needed homes for African American babies.  We were told that they did not have a list of families waiting for these babies.  In fact, our friends had been matched with a birth mother the day after completing their home study.  On a whim, I decided to give the agency a call.  I told the receptionist that we were not planning to adopt for another year, but that she could send us a package anyway.

The package came while my husband, Scott, was performing a wedding out of town.  I called Scott to read the letter in the package.  It asked us to hurry up; that they had two babies without forever families who were due before the end of the year.  As I read the letter, both of us began to cry and I said, “Scott, our baby is in Florida.  How will we ever come up with the money in time?”  We didn’t know how it was possible, but we believed that this was where we needed to go and we believed it would happen soon.  We proceeded in faith that God would provide.

The first thing we did was to ask people to pray for us. Then we sold our second car.  We used the money to pay for the home study and to purchase a few baby essentials.  Shortly after, a check came in the mail for $3000.  It was a donation from a family that had heard our request and wanted to help.  We were completely humbled by their gift and amazed by God’s graciousness!  September came and went.  By October, our home study was complete, every bit of paperwork had been filed, and our birth mother book had been sent to the agency. In the paperwork to the agency, we wrote, “Give us the one who needs us.”  Then we waited.

November came and nothing was happening.  We didn’t have enough money to cover the adoption and our one car was giving us fits.  We decided that I should find a part time job.  Even with my new job, we still didn’t know how we’d pay for the adoption.  Then, the elders of our church called us into a meeting.  My immediate reaction was to worry.  My mind went to the worst possible scenario: Something had gone wrong and Scott was going to lose his position. I have a terrible poker face: lip biting always gives me away.  One of the dear elders decided to take advantage of my gullible state and teasingly informed me that I was in big trouble.  Another man told me to stop worrying about money, and to focus on my role as wife and mother.  They told us that the church would pay for the rest of our adoption, including travel expenses.  We were amazed by their generosity.  We had never asked anyone for money.  We had only asked for prayers.  People prayed and God motivated people to give.  One week later, on November 30, 2005, we got the phone call.

In the meantime, God also provided what my heart needed.  While we were waiting to adopt, I spent a lot of time praying for our baby and the birth mother. In the beginning, I was willing to adopt any baby as long as its birth mother had taken care of herself.  As time went on, God softened my heart to adopt the baby who needed us most. My husband, in his firm faith, was already at that point and helped me along the way. The pictures he showed me of children with their stories of loss were a direct route to my heart. In my most private prayers, God was also softening my heart toward birth mothers.  I was secretly sad for our baby’s mother.  I wanted to adopt, but I didn’t want to take a baby away from a young, naive woman.  I didn’t know what to ask God for, but I begged him to take care of this for me.  I don’t fully understand God’s answer to my prayers and I probably never will.  I do know that in my prayer time, he was preparing me for Samuel.

It is my prayer that Samuel will someday share his side of this story.  It is a touching story, which testifies again to God’s greatness. For now, I have chosen to save Sam’s beginning for him to share.  Yet I can tell you that he was in the care of a social worker who had placed several babies with a Christian adoption agency.  He was then in a Christian foster home for three weeks before he was laid in our arms. Samuel’s story is not exactly like the prophet’s, but he is a clear answer to prayer.  God heard the prayers of many people and orchestrated a wonderful plan to bring Sam into our home.

I wonder how many moms have one baby and think they know everything about taking care of little ones.  I thought I knew more than enough after having one.  I could make my cranky baby happy and managed to have him sleeping through the night very early.  Everything happened when it was supposed to.  As my oldest son grew up, we continued to move in sync.  Things were not perfect, but I was convinced that motherhood was fairly easy.  Then Samuel came along and taught me to stop relying on myself.  He was such a sensitive baby and screamed a lot.  It seemed like there was always something to figure out.  I learned very early on to pray continually.

Feeding Samuel was one of the things that did not come naturally. He was taking close to an hour to finish four ounces of formula and seemed to be spitting most of it out.  I switched formulas, tried using bottled water and was about to switch formulas again when God opened my eyes. After another long bottle, I laid Samuel down to change his diaper and then hurry off to an appointment we were now late for.  He screamed as soon as his back hit the floor.  I pulled him up and he stopped. I laid him down again and I saw pain in his face as he began to scream again.  It was the same scream he had while taking a bottle.  I asked, “God, does my baby have heartburn?”  I had never heard of reflux in infants, but soon found out that it was true and that Samuel needed medication.  We put a wedge under Samuel’s crib mattress and I set to work making a sling to hold him upright while sleeping.  I learned how to burp him without causing pain.  Within days, Samuel was able to finish a bottle and showed us that he was actually a child with a huge appetite!

Looking back, there were many challenges we faced during Samuel’s first year. God continued to provide, giving me patience and understanding, as well as helpful friends and family.  The fun grows right along with our little boy.  I am always on alert, thinking outside the box.  If someone had told me four years ago that I would be given a baby like this, I would have run and cried.  Today, the thought of this sweet child brings me so much joy.

These are just a few tiny pieces of our son’s story.  In preparing for this testimony, I realized that a book would be needed to recount all the ways that God has provided for Samuel.  I would love to have you over for coffee and tell you about it.  We’d have to sit within view of Samuel, as he would give us near simultaneous opportunities to laugh in disbelief of his energy and gasp in fear of his safety. His antics would spur memories of dangerous situations he has gotten into, which I am now able to laugh about. As I pour us a second cup, I would proclaim the passion Sam put in our hearts for adoption, thus leading us to our daughter. I would tell you about the patience God has given me and also the strength I needed in the midst of my weaknesses.  He has used this child, as well as my other children, to shape me in ways I never imagined possible.  Over and over, he has proven his faithfulness.

As I reflect on all these things, I receive strength for today and our current trials.  I am confident that this is part of Samuel’s amazing story.  He has been blessed with a wild heart, which will fan a flame in the kingdom of God.  He has also been given an incredible capacity for love, which will touch many lives.  His timidity keeps him safe from strangers who would lead him astray.  If he receives this diagnosis, he will be made humble and dependent on God’s family.  Along with the diagnosis will come many special gifts which will be used by the one who created Samuel. God will provide. He always provides.