by Thomas Jost (almost 14 months)
I know its not traditional for authors to include their age beside the name, but in my case it is so impressive I made sure to add it.
A couple years ago my Dad wrote the Christmas letter from the perspective of “a letter from your future self” to last year’s version of you. He thought about doing that again this year, but he says this year was so crazy that past selves would never believe it!
So Dad asked me to write the letter this year. I’ve never done a Christmas letter before, but being 14 months means always trying things you’ve never done before, even if everyone is screaming around you that it is a bad idea. So here it goes.
I am Thomas, with luscious blond hair and dark brown eyes. I am currently single but that won’t last long, I’m sure. I’m often referred to as a miracle baby, and I’m not always sure if that is because my Mom almost miscarried me, or if they are referring to my magical ability to make things disappear in the toilet.
Speaking of which, I need to tell you that the toilet is one of the most under-rated sources of entertainment ever. I sneak in there every chance I get to sample the ever-changing water quality. Also, who needs tobacco when there is a juicy wad of used toilet paper to chew on?! I don’t why everyone is so horrified when they find me. It’s FUN, people. Lighten up.
My other source of endless pleasure is pulling the vent covers off our heating ducts and swinging one leg in the hole. The warm leg, cold leg contrast is very stimulating for my meridian system.
I love this life for the most part, but I just do not get why it has to hurt so much for new teeth to come in. Sheesh.
Enough about me for now. I am the youngest of six kids (and believe me, I am doing everything within my power to stay the youngest, if you know what I mean. Wink. Wink.)
The sibling right above me is Eric and he is three and a half. He thinks he’s a comedian, and gets lots of laughs from people, but I personally don’t find him that clever. Eric LOVES Look And Find books and is always begging people to do them with him, except he doesn’t seem to be a big fan of doing them with me. Eric is okay with me watching PBS Kids and Magic Schoolbus, but I usually get bored when they cover stuff I already know.
Justin is next in line and is 6 and a half. Justin cannot sit still; he is always running, or wrestling, and playing sports with older bro Elijah. They love playing baseball and doing home run derbies. Justin also loves doing art, puzzles, and LEGO. These things look interesting to me, but I always get yelled at when he’s doing that stuff. Oh well, my brilliant creative talents will just have to lay dormant for a few more months.
Elijah is 8 and is obsessed with baseball: Playing it, reading about it, watching it, or collecting baseball cards. There almost wasn’t a baseball season this year, but Elijah and Dad were so glad there was at least a mini 60-game season. Elijah has fallen in love with reading. I’m not sure why he likes the books he chooses as they are the boring kind with no pictures, but at least they give me something to chew on.
Sophia is 11 now and is my all-time favourite sister. (That’s a joke, child raising experts. We all know it is inappropriate to have favourite kids, right, mom and dad? Wink, wink.) Sophia makes amazing food and tries her best to take good care of me. She loves making short movies on the Ipad, and unlike Eric, Sophia is genuinely hilarious and shocking. You can watch some of her movies on her “Sophie Flicks” Facebook page. Sophia also loves listening to music and writing to her friends.
Big brother JM is almost 14, which is old enough to drive. Scary thought. I think I’m gonna be allergic to car rides in a couple months. JM loves to paint, and tries hard to stay focused on his chores, but he is always day-dreaming about a new painting idea or invention he wants to work on. JM is the one sibling who can always be counted on to hold me whenever I get tired, or bored, or yes, even cranky (stupid teeth.)
JM has started taking over teaching responsibilities on Mondays. He designs his own unit studies that cover science or history complete with experiments and art projects. These are so informative even I learn a thing or two. At first my siblings gave JM heck about not wanting him to be their teacher, but the lessons were so good, now they all look forward to Mondays.
My mom is gorgeous and amazing, although it’s weird to me why she is more of a grouch when my teeth hurt. I’m the one in pain, after all. It was MY pain that kept me awake. Anyway, she’s usually happy when my teeth don’t hurt. She makes delicious food, and loves me so much.
My dad is a school bus driver, so I call him bus, even though if you hear me say it you might be thinking I’m calling him something else. My dad also became an elder at the church and within in one week of that, the whole church shut down. Dad says it was because of Covid restrictions, but I have my own theories.
Mom and Dad blame a lot of things on Covid, but I mainly think they just don’t want to go anywhere. It’s weird year. Now people are even wearing underwear on their faces. Sometimes they tell me it’s because they don’t want to get other people sick. I think its just because no one wants to smell JM’s gas “emissions”. Whenever I hear about plans to reduce emissions, I am all for it!
Well, I have a bum rash that needs attending to. Hope you have a fun holiday season, and that we all can get out of the house more next year and go on grand adventures.
Thomas Paul Whitefield Jost, Esq.