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Beware the Phantom Future

By Jesse Jost

One of the unexpected challenges of dealing with Type 1 diabetes is the fear that another child will develop diabetes. I’ll have stretches of feeling fine, but then I’ll wonder if our two year old wet too many diapers in a day or is drinking too much (these things are so subjective and hard to measure!) and then it becomes an obsession.

I’ll get chronic stress, and have painful, vivid flashbacks to our son’s diagnosis (he was in severe DKA). And a sense of impending doom just becomes hard to shake.

In the night our two year old had a diaper that leaked in the night and the fears just gripped me. I weighed him in the morning and he had gained two pounds (a reassuring sign, as T1D causes weight loss). I did a finger poke and two hours after eating waffles and cold cereal he was 7mmols (126 US). Everything I found online says that under 7.8 (140) two hours after eating is normal, but I just can’t shake the stress.

I know there is just no assurance anyone can give me that he won’t develop diabetes and that is the part that is hard to accept.

I reached out to our Facebook support groups for advice about how they deal with this anxiety. It is a common issue, but the majority said that what helps them is knowing that if it happens with another child, this time they have the knowledge and the tools to deal with it.

One mom who has had a second child develop T1D, said that while it is hard to accept, you do adjust. She added that worrying about it happening was worse than dealing with the real problem.

This got me thinking. One of the symptoms of developing diabetes is excessive peeing. So when I hear a kid peeing copiously, my heart skips a beat. When I find out it’s our T1D son, there’s a wave of relief. We’ve found a level of peace with our T1D son, and I’m sure we’d reach that place eventually again with another child if we had to.

I realized that if we had to deal with a toddler developing diabetes, it would come with moments of holding him still to inject a painful needle while we both are crying. It would mean even less sleep and more mental stress as now two kids would need constant monitoring and more night checks.

But I also saw that if this were to happen in real life, it would be accompanied by God’s grace and tools to deal with the situation. In contrast, the phantom diabetes of my imagination makes me feel helpless. Because of its unreality, there is nothing I can do fix the problem I’m imagining. No shot of insulin to make the high go away, no gummy bear to give to fix the low.

Phantom diabetes of my imagination comes at me with vivid force all at once, with the painful moments compressed into a collage of terror. Real life diabetes comes at you one moment at a time with huge amounts of normalcy in between.

Dealing with the phantom diabetic toddler causes a selfish focus on what it will cost me and fills me with terror. Dealing with a real life child fills you with an overwhelming love for that child that gives supernatural strength to do whatever sacrifice is necessary. It would come with a sense of purpose that quiets the mind and steadies the will.

Phantom diabetes has no value, it doesn’t make me more aware of my non-T1D’s kids needs, it doesn’t help prepare or stock up on needed supplies. It does nothing but torment me and waste the precious time we should be savouring while our kids pancreases are working and they can eat and sleep without worry.

The phantom future is one of Satan’s favourite tools to torment us, rob us of peace and joy, and take our eyes off God and the gifts we should be grateful for. The phantom future comes as an angel of light saying that this worrying is the responsible thing to do. And that if we aren’t actively worrying about it tragedy will strike again. But that is all a lie.

So if you find yourself tormented by a possible scenario in the future where some difficulty or tragedy strikes, be it job loss or cancer, ask if there is some wise step you can take to avert the crisis or prepare. But if there is nothing you can do in the present to prepare, then be ruthless in identifying the distressing imaginings as unreality from the enemy. There is no value dwelling on it.

Jesus sternly commands us not to worry about the future, then adds compassionately that each day has enough troubles.

Real life will be hard, and the hardest things you will have to deal with will probably be the things you never saw coming rather than the things you worry about.

But real life will come with God’s grace, strength, comfort and wisdom, and a sense of purpose to deal with it effectively, and the support of family and community. So be ruthless with the phantom future, and trust our wise Heavenly Father to guide us into the real future with Him always by our side.

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2019 Christmas Letter

by Heidi Jost

December 23, 2019

Meeting you here, at year’s end, I have one word for both of us to grab hold of as we look backward over 2019 and forward into 2020: gratitude.

It’s a weapon, friends. Wield it against the dark forces of discontent and anxiety that are always attacking our minds! Being thankful isn’t a nicety. It’s a necessity if we want to be present in the moment and grow closer to Christ. Lack of gratitude draws us away from the Good Giver and deeper into ourselves. I speak from the trenches: it’s a daily fight to be thankful and focus on all I have been given rather than on all that I wish I had or on all that I fear might be taken from me. Continue reading…

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The Birth Story Of Thomas Paul Whitefield Jost

By Jesse Jost

On Nov. 1 at 5:02 PM our little Thomas drew his first breath of air, weighing in at 7lb 2 oz. His cry was brought a rush of relief and gratitude. His first 9 months inside the womb had been quite an adventure for all of us.

I have a tradition of writing up a detailed birth story for each of our kids, including details of what the emotional journey was like for Heidi and I. These are usually very detailed, over-emotional, and drawn-out so read at your own peril.

I first learned of Thomas’s existence one frigid (-20 C) March morning as I pulled down our driveway for my school bus run. I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw Heidi in her house coat and night gown running towards me. My heart stopped. Who died? I carefully backed the bus up to her, and she breathlessly told me I was a daddy again. Wow. I could barely stop smiling for the rest of my bus run. February had been exceptionally cold with constant snow, and we spent a lot of time snowed in, but it had paid off wonderfully….

Heidi had miscarried twice before and in each case the morning sickness was not as bad as it was with the healthy pregnancies, so nausea is one of the first things we look for. This time the nausea hit hard. Poor Heidi, grateful for the indicator of baby’s health, still had to stoically face the reality of months of feeling trapped in a nauseated body. Continue reading…

  • Ally

    Wow. Lovely and beautiful, I especially liked

    “and we spent a lot of time snowed in, but it had paid off wonderfully….”

    I notice you say, you prayed on your knees. Is this an expression you use? Or do you actually do that. I always feel led to, not sure why I hesitate.

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Why I Don’t Want to Treat My Kids Fairly

By Jesse Jost

I recently took two of my sons and my youngest brother, Judah, into town to see a movie and do some shopping. While we were in Princess Auto, my astute 10 year-old John-Michael noticed there were complimentary doughnuts by the front door. He and Judah, who have working pancreases, blissfully devoured the treats without an issue. My 5 year-old son, Elijah, whose immune system destroyed his pancreas, and is now a Type 1 diabetic, also wanted a doughnut. His last shot of insulin wasn’t enough to match his breakfast carbs, and his blood sugar was already way too high, so I had to say no. My poor little boy started sobbing on the spot, “I wish I didn’t have diabetes.” Oh, that hurt to hear those words.

We are so grateful Elijah is alive after we almost lost him this summer to complications from his undiagnosed diabetes, but there are times it is hard to watch our sweet boy have to deal with all the insulin shots, finger pokes, and food restrictions.

I told Elijah to go get a doughnut and wrap it up in a napkin and that he could have part of it for dessert after lunch when I could give him extra insulin for it. He cheered up at this prospect and the solution worked fine.

All the unique challenges we face with Elijah have made me think a lot about fairness. It doesn’t seem fair that Elijah has to be so carb conscious at this age, or have to deal with 6 or 7 injections a day just to stay alive. As a parent, self-pity is tempting when I can’t sleep because I am concerned Elijah’s blood sugar will drop and he will slip into a fatal low.

It used to be nice to just pack up and leave the house without having the stress of making sure we have his blood sugar monitoring equipment, insulin, glucagon kit, juice and granola bars for lows, plus making sure it’s all in a well-insulated container so it’s not ruined by too much heat or cold.

It was so easy before to put out a bedtime snack and not worry about the carb count, or let the kids at the cold cereal in the morning, without having to read labels or weigh and measure everything. It’s easy to be just a little jealous of the uncomplicated eating habits of non-T1D families. Continue reading…

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2017 Christmas Letter

(family photos by Hannah-Grace Jost)

By Heidi Jost

Dear people,

It is said that life is full of storms: If you aren’t in the midst of one, you have either just come through one or are headed into one. Mercifully – and frighteningly – we don’t know what clouds lie on our horizons. There are sea charts noting shorelines, shoals, ocean currents, and doldrums. But God offers us something infinitely better than a comprehensive print-out of our life’s hardships. He gives us Himself.

This angers some people, who would rather have explanations for their suffering or a tangible hand of God than be offered the invisible presence of Jesus to accompany them. The thing is: What do we really need more when breakers of pain and fear are washing over us? Clinical answers? Or Someone who has been to the depths of human suffering and promises to deliver better comfort than anyone else can give us?

The reality of our past year held the most terrifying storm we have ever been through, and our five year old Elijah’s life was at the centre of it.

Through the month of July, our middle child – big-eyed, slender Elijah – was increasingly whiny, thirsty, hungry, and unable to keep from wetting his bed at night. Something was off, but we couldn’t put our finger on what. He seemed to be thinner than ever – was he going through a growth spurt? Then after a full week of vacation Bible school at church, Elijah puked and showed flu-like symptoms. We were so frightened by how he had become skin and bones so rapidly, and on August 15, he woke listless, mumbling, and complaining of chest pain. Jesse hurried him to local ER. After multiple tests, consultation with Lethbridge doctors, and being intubated to pump excruciatingly painful built-up air from his stomach, Elijah was rushed by ambulance to Lethbridge. He was severely dehydrated; very constipated; blood sugar, ketones, and heart rate very high; liver stressed: the signs of diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA). His tiny body was fighting to survive the shutting down of insulin-producing cells in his pancreas, cells we’d never heard of before, but were suddenly the reason our son was teetering between life and death. Elijah was now a Type 1 diabetic, the doctor told us. Unless a cure was found, he would have this autoimmune disease for the rest of his life. A nurse from the Lethbridge diabetic team came the next day to explain insulin injections, glucose readings, etc., and I couldn’t stop crying the whole time. It was so much to process. Continue reading…

  • Carolyn Anderson

    ❤️

  • Anne-Marie

    So loved your family newsletter Heidi!! You shared beautifully how God has shown Himself strong on your behalf with all the storms you have been through this past year. Praise God for the healing that has come, and for what He is doing through it all! Love you! Btw, the pictures are precious of your adorable family! Love cousin Anne-Marie

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The Birth Story of Eric Spurgeon

by Jesse Jost

Two years to the day after our son Justin was born we awoke in the maternity ward with broken hearts and an empty womb. Our little Emmy left us to join her sibling Davey in heaven at 11 weeks pregnant. Heidi haemorrhaged fairly seriously and was taken by ambulance to Lethbridge the night before. As I looked at Heidi’s pale shaking body, I begged God for more time with her. God spared her and the following week was filled with sadness but also euphoria and fresh love between Heidi and me.

We both felt so carried. But the thing that made this miscarriage harder than last time was how hard it hit our kids, especially 7 year old Sophia. She thought for sure this was a girl and she would finally have her sister. It’s so hard to watch your little girl cry herself to sleep. But it is a faith builder to see how God uses these things to reveal Himself to our kids. Sophia has often said how God comforted her during those dark times.

A couple months later the pregnancy test read positive. Hope was mingled with anxious thoughts, just what adventure would this little baby take us on? Elijah who loves the story of how he arrived after a miscarriage, was fully confident that this baby would arrive safely just like he did. Mommy and Daddy really wanted to believe this, but knew that God’s ways are mysterious and not always our ways.

Continue reading…

  • Rachael

    Hello Josts!
    My name is Rachael Miller and I am familiar with your family because of TKSA when I went up to the Wahl’s while they still lived in Montana with my grandma. I first read your work and Heidi’s in the two books we received from the week: “If only you knew” and the other one about romance. (“Extreme Romance” ???) I was so excited for find your blog on here, and this post really sticks out to me because my husband and I just went through a painful miscarriage back in October of 2015. I am actually in the process of writing a book about our story to share because I feel like miscarriage is an issue that a lot of people don’t talk about and it happens a lot more often than I ever thought. I hope to publish this year. Thank you for sharing your story!

  • Karen Davis

    Thank you for your timely words of testimony and encouragement. They were needed more than you will ever know! We have 7 sweet little ones safe with Jesus, and 7 here on earth (2 from adoproom). Our most recent joy is our 11 month old son Jaidon. While every one is a miracle…he is extra special. We had lost 4 in a row before him and 2 of them being ectopic. It was brutal and traumatic to say the least. I ended up losing a tube and damaging the other beyond recognition (according to Drs). They told us having more children was impossible. 2 years later….the Lord did the impossible…we were pregnant and the baby was safely and securely in the womb. Our son Jaidon was born healthy and beautiful, and continues to be a constant reminder of Gods will, timing, and goodness. A testimony for His glory!
    Now we find ourselves praying and trusting again as we wait for results on a mass/ lump in my abdomen. Oh the battle that ensues in the wait on our minds and thoughts!
    Continually reminding myself of His goodness and miracles looking at all He has done and continues to do in our lives. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away….blessed be the name of the Lord!
    Thank you again for your family’s faithfulness, transparency, and hearts for our Jesus. We will be praying for sweet Heidi and your family!
    In Joy for Jesus, Nolan & Karen Davis & family

  • Jesse Jost

    Wow, we will be praying! I know God is a God who loves to restore what is broken, and bring such beauty from the ashes. Thank you for praising Him in your storms.

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The Dangers of Sheltering

http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-image-storm-coming-image28589496By Jesse Jost

The day after my first child was born, I strode out of the hospital a new man. I couldn’t believe how different the world looked, and how I felt about it. I was a father. As I carried that little breathing soul carefully to our van, I vowed to do all that I could to protect my son. I drove with utmost care and caution, paranoid of every intersection. A newborn enters a crazy world of dangers. Physical dangers like choking hazards, or metal falling off the semi-truck ahead of you and exploding your vehicle’s gas tank (this actually happened to someone.) But there are also all kinds of spiritual dangers that can lead to heartbreak and despair in this life, and torment in the next.

As new parents hold that tiny, wrinkled form, a protective instinct is awoken that shocks them with its intensity. Parents, of course, have a duty to protect their children. But I am discovering a dangerous lie that can sabotage parents’ efforts to protect their child from evil. The lie: The most dangerous evil your child faces is “out there.” If you can keep your child from evil influences, he will become a good child.

It’s an appealing idea to parents. But the truth is that the most dangerous evil we all face is in our own heart. Jesus warned: “What comes out of a man, that defiles a man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness.  All these evil things come from within and defile a man.” (Mark 7:20-23)

The seeds for these repulsive characteristics are in your child’s heart from the moment of birth. As a parent, you are powerless to change your child’s heart. It is only God who can grant new birth by the power of His Spirit.

When you live by the lie that your kids will be good if they are protected from evil influences, your attention will focus on guarding against outside sources. Meanwhile, the deadly killer of sin within will fester and grow unnoticed. And because you have protected the outside of your child so well, their externals will probably look reassuringly clean and shiny compared to the dark and dirty world beyond.

Sheltering is a natural greenhouse for pride. The child protected from many temptations that have brought his peers low, can start to take credit for his lack of moral failures. Because he has not been in situations that have shown him his inner brokenness, he will feel morally superior. But pride is as dangerous as any of the evils parents try to protect their children from, perhaps even more so. It says in Proverbs that immorality is a “deep pit. And those that are abhorred by the Lord will fall there.” (Prov. 22:14) What makes this verse chilling is when you combine it with Proverbs 16:5 “Everyone who is proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD; Assuredly, he will not be unpunished.”

Continue reading…

  • Lee M

    Bang on target, Jesse. One thought I’ve had is that sheltering, taken to the extreme, can rob a young person of the opportunity to develop real internal strength and the ability to stand in the grace of Christ without external supports and restraints – then, when that young person’s external restraints and supports are for one reason or another taken away, they do not have what it takes to resist sin. I like Pastor Eric Lucy’s take on sheltering: the goal of sheltering is to allow necessary time for preparation and growth with the ultimate goal being that of the strength to attend in Christ alone; much like a seedling being started in a greenhouse, then hardened off outside, and finally grown into a tree with the toughness to withstand a hurricane. I hadn’t really thought as much of the pride issue before, though. Your article adds yet another important piece of balance to this controversial issue. Blessings!

  • Risking Our Children | Preserving the Harvest

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Is God the Author of Every Human Life?

http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-images-woman-birth-control-pills-image25835869By Jesse Jost

I want to look briefly at the topic of birth control. I know by bringing this up I am dangerously digging in a minefield of emotions. Many, if not almost all, couples use some form of birth control, and do so for very strongly held reasons.

When it comes to the birth control debate there are so many issues to consider: What is your motivation for having kids? Can you responsibly provide for them? Can you handle another child and still maintain a Christ-like attitude? These are all important questions to ask for most of our choices in life, but with birth control there is a deeper issue to consider first.

This watershed issue must be considered before all else: Is God the author of all human life, or does some life enter the world against God’s wishes? Continue reading…

  • Justin

    I am not sure if this has already been said (there are a lot of comments to read), but could it not be said that you are doubting God’s sovereignty. Is it impossible to make those actively using birth control to become pregnant? Is it impossible for God to make pregnant a virgin? You know that it is not impossible, or you call the bible a liar. For the same reason of God’s control, both sides of this question are applicable.
    I am not angry, I personally have no idea which side of the side of the question is right. I admit I am not married (yet), nor do I have kids, but I am a Christian.
    I personally don’t think this is much of an issue, as long as you have a reason for it that is glorifying to God and not only for selfish reasons.

  • Amber

    Sounds like a lot of readers bring up the call of adoption. Anyone considering adoption but afraid that they cannot afford it should visit reecesrainbow.org and join the Official Reece’s Rainbow group on facebook. There is a HUGE community of support–emotional, financial, even spiritual at times. Some of these children have grants that would be available at the time of travel and that cover most or all of the costs, and there are MANY many others in different countries with smaller grants that can help a family bring them home.

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Breathing Life in the Culture of Death

http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-photo-cute-little-girl-bright-face-mask-image47189975By Heidi Jost

            When the first drops of blood fell, I began a journey to life, though I didn’t know it at the time. In the months after my unborn baby slipped out of my body, God showed me something priceless that I had paid lip service to, but my heart was far from believing: life is precious, children are a blessing, and God can be trusted.

Always.

Jesse and I already had the million-dollar family: a boy and a girl. A lot of people commented that we must be done. We joked, “Nah, we’re going for a multi-million dollar family.”

I have wanted every baby that has been conceived in my womb. I just haven’t wanted them to come closer together than two years, afraid I might go crazy or that I might look to others like a run down, exhausted, and overwhelmed rabbit factory who doesn’t “know what causes that.” Fear of having kids close in age infected my thoughts and choices.

Anyway, here I was, pregnant with baby three, who was going to be just over two years younger than its big sister. I felt like I could handle this, and we were excited! In between waves of nausea, that is. When the waves settled early, I was pretty happy. Until the blood dripped and I found out the baby had already died in my womb over a month ago.

We buried baby Davey by my sister’s grave. And I walked out of that cemetery shaken to my core, because I finally realized the truth: All human life is God-given and sacred.

Until Davey died, I think I subconsciously believed that life was only a blessing if it came on my timetable. If my children were born close in age, that was my “mistake,” and they really should not have showed up when they did.

I said the right things on the outside, but inside me there grew a culture of death.

It is in the air we all breathe. This culture of death has great and potent arguments against the Creator of Life: We need to pace ourselves, we need to know our limitations and be wise in how many children we choose to have. We shouldn’t keep on having kids if our motivation is just because we feel pressured to, or because we feel less-than as women unless we are breeding like rabbits.

These arguments take our eyes off the issue at stake: Is all life God-ordained and sacred? No matter when it comes, no matter whether we felt ready for it at the moment or not, no matter how much it will demand from us when it arrives.   Continue reading…

  • Jyl

    Thanks for writing this article Heidi. It covers many things I’ve been thinking through and is an encouragement. When I first got married I was excited to have kids and wanted to surrender my life to God in the area of children. However, His ways are not our ways and his plan was for us not to have kids right away . This was challenging for me to accept at first and I realized I wasn’t fully trusting Him. It took me on a journey of faith and I’ve learned so much. It also gave me a new appreciation of life, realizing every child is a gift and miracle from God. God can be trusted, even though there are many times we don’t understand what He is doing, we can trust He knows best.

  • David

    WOW!

    I love the perspective you have shared here.

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Does God Want You Broken?

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-image-broken-orange-coffe-cup-coffee-black-bacground-image37176921By Jesse Jost

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are broken and know it, and those who are broken and don’t yet know it. In the garden of Eden God made man with three areas of duty and purpose. First, God made us to love, worship, and obey Him. Second, we were to love and serve our fellow man. Finally, we were given a mandate to tend the garden (bring order out of chaos) and to create beauty that would glorify God.

Shattered Glass

The first humans failed in their primary purpose by rebelling and breaking that relationship with God. Like a stone that impacts a single point on a window but shatters the whole thing, so our break with a holy God brought brokenness to every sphere of life. Where we were to love and serve other people we now hate and abuse them. Where we were to tend and beautify this planet, we neglect and destroy it. Instead of works of art that reflect the beauty of God we create blasphemous pornography and lurid “slasher” films.

True, the brokenness of humanity is not total. God has still given us common grace and this world is not as bad as it could be. Man still creates stunning works of beauty, and we do find shining glimpses of sacrificial love among mankind. Continue reading…

  • Kathy Paquette

    Awesome article, thank you brother.

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